sometimes i forget you, internet.
what a strange summer. but in a good way.
sometime in june or july, i found out that my company was outsourcing my department. now, it has been no secret that i loathed my job, and even more so, loathed the company i worked for. i have never worked for such an insensitive group of people in my entire life.
i knew at the end of February that I was D.O.N.E with my job at this company. when my grandmother got sick, i took as much time as i could away from school and work to spend time with her at the hospital/hospice. nothing was more important to me at the time. i knew in my heart that she wasn’t going to make it, and i wanted nothing more than to hear her laugh, her stories, and spend time just in her presence before it was taken away from me. when i went into one of my many moronager’s office to tell her that i needed to leave early/take a day off/come in late, i was reminded that i would be getting an occurrence for being late/going home early/etc (the equivalent of a demerit, if we were in fact in a boarding school and not at a job). and then, she dropped this on me: “well, she is just your grandmother”…
the woman who essentially helped raise me, shape me, and who i spent more time with than any other family member was reduced to being “just” someone who didn’t matter. of course, i flipped out and left anyways.
they tried to fire me on the day that my grandmother died. my sister and i were at work when my mom called and told us to get to the hospice. because of some FMLA technicalities unrelated to the death (they LOST my FMLA paperwork and were trying to fire me due to absences related to it! whattttttt?), i was able to keep my job, but needless to say, it was set in stone at this point. i was leaving.
the day they told me my job was ending, i wasn’t that upset. in fact, my mind shifted gears. i had finished my degree, and was planning to go back in the fall anyways. i figured i’d just collect unemployment for a bit, and look for another job. no big deal. a few moments of fear had me applying for Shit I Didn’t Want To Do, and i got all of the jobs i applied for. But my practical mind (and a pep talk from – of all people – my dad) told me to turn them down, and i did.
i was offered two positions, both working in sales, one requiring a nearly 1/2 pay cut. how can i sell a product that i don’t believe in, for a company that repeatedly treated me like shit, and continue to work with micromanaging, ass kissing jackasses? no thanks, i said, i’ll be ok with the unemployment.
i considered staying, just for the health insurance. but my family doctor gently reminded me (in his “comin’ at you like a bear” kinda way) that all of my visits for the past YEAR were work-stress related. “quit the job,” he said. “you’re going to be amazed at how much better you feel.”
i was unemployed for maybe 5 days before i got my Kickass New Job. I went from working a helljob at the cable company, to working for a locally owned (but well established) wellness company. I now use my degree (and minor, what!), work with people I really enjoy, and spend most of my day traveling around and/or working from home. The vibe at the new place is fantastic, too. I can be creative, and make suggestions, and people actually listen!
Since quitting Time Warner, i have established a daily meditation practice, too. I have finally put my altar to full use! I’m feeling so much clearer and happier now, too.
i’m lucky to have good people around me, especially my family (which, if you know me, extends to my friends). i don’t always feel like i have the support that i need from them, but that’s what therapy is for. people can’t always support your every single move and wish and whim, and sometimes flat out can’t relate with what’s bothering you. sometimes you need to go outside of your familiar circle. and by some divine stroke of luck, i’ve been able to reconnect with my old therapist. she’s fantastic, and i can see her for free now.
i won’t name the company i’m with now, simply because i like keeping my work aspect of my life private. but the cloak of privacy surrounding the porn empire is out there now. i’m happy to have a job where i’m helping people feel better about themselves, even if it is just through the sale of our products. nobody feels good about paying for cable, do they? if they do, there’s something wrong with them.
last weekend was great. i got to see Shabron in person (for non-Akronites, that’s Lebron James and Shaquille ONeal, who are playing for the Cleveland Cavaliers together this season. i secretly love basketball). then, we ended up at a winery, where we shared two bottles of wine and sat and talked for a couple hours. we ended up at Sucktoberfest close to our house (we have lots of things that go on by the river, but we NEVER go. guess it was the wine). had a great meal, and stayed up talking and having wine together. it was so relaxed and nice. i love perfect, unplanned days.
this year has been rocky, but i feel like i’m back on a good path. i hope 2010 is better to all of us.
samsara
“When things fall apart and we’re on the verge of we know not what, the test for each of us is to stay on that brink and not concretize. The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that’s really swell. In fact, that way of looking at things is what keeps us miserable. Thinking that we can find some lasting pleasure and avoid pain is what in Buddhism is called samsara, a hopeless cycle that goes round and round endlessly and causes us to suffer greatly. The very first noble truth of the Buddha points out that suffering is inevitable for human beings as long as we believe that things last—that they don’t disintegrate, that they can be counted on to satisfy our hunger for security. From this point of view, the only time we ever know what’s really going on is when the rug’s been pulled out and we can’t find anywhere to land. We use these situations either to wake ourselves up or to put ourselves to sleep. Right now—in the very instant of groundlessness—is the seed of taking care of those who need our care and of discovering our goodness.” -from When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
in the interest of my own health, sanity, well-being, and honestly, just being up for a challenge, i’ve decided to unplug myself from the internet for a yet-to-be-determined amount of time.
i’ll be using it to pay bills and do banking. but facebook and reading blogs are totally out.
i read the book One City: A Declaration of Interdependence last week, and it really shook my brain up a bit. i’ve never given much thought to the idea of interdependence. i’ve never thought about how much my moods may affect everybody and everything around me. i’ve never realized how much we “seek entertainment” to distract ourselves from our lives.
I want more time to embrace who i’m becoming. Instead of going home from work and turning on the laptop, i’d rather spend time reading, or go to the center and meditate. Instead of seeing who likes my Facebook status, i’d rather go outside and enjoy the fresh air.
I’ve always spent too much time online. I know this. I worry too much about what people i’ve never met and probably never will think of me online. That’s beyond stupid behavior. I’ve spent so much time in negative cycles. And I want nothing more than to stop it.
I also had a doctor’s visit yesterday that has shook me up really, really bad. A reaffirmation of some of my bad habits, of me doing things that don’t harm anybody but myself. It’s not related to the internet, but if i had been making more time to take care of me and less time sitting on here, i wouldn’t be where I am right now.
I’m making the concerted effort to learn how to love myself. I’ve spent my entire life trying to make sure others are happy, but have always neglected myself.
I know that i’m not depressed. I know that i’m not a miserable person. I know that through my quest to “wake up”, i’ve hit a part of my brain that is dark and yucky. But I intend to be present with this part of my journey. And I can’t do it when i’m distracting myself with stupid shit on the internet. I’m worth more than that.
I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of worrying. I’m tired of doubting. I’m ready to live the loud life full of love and laughter that I know i’m capable of (and that honestly, i mostly have already).
This year has been full of terrible things, but also, full of good. I’m happy that I was able to go to Kripalu and study with Noah. I’m happy that i’ve taken the interest in Buddhism and meditation that I have. I’m happy that I’m pretty sure that i’ve found a sangha that i’m comfortable in, even if they’re nothing like me (which is probably a great thing). I’m just ready to shake that final piece of the puzzle–my past–and move.the.fuck.on.
So, starting Monday, i’m offline. Don’t worry, i’ll be back eventually. I always am. I just have a lot of work to do, and need as little distraction as possible.
weekend favorites
1. Edinburgh A-Z (2) : A is for Astronaut, Explorer & Dinosaur., 2. Church of Thrash, 3. Heidi Thrash’s Latte Art, 4. Sanrio Puroland ‘The Nutcracker’ (18), 5. Wat Pho, Bangkok, 6. Lan’s Pho, 7. hallway artwall, 8. Trains.., 9. Mother Gooseland, 10. Samsara, 11. Silhouettes on Paris.-, 12. L’Onion, 13. Empty pool at Museum Affandi, 14. Survey, 15. Thug Food, 16. “Ah Spring!”, 17. Untitled, 18. 25 Ta Life @ Mosh Pit Fest – 14/10/07, 19. Jumping into the Mosh Pit at the St. Casimir Corn Roast, 20. I got the mic and you got the mosh pit., 21. UGLY CATS IN FALMOUTH, 22. sad, ugly, 23. Olishiva, 24. Miss Van, 25. I used to chase birds, 26. Street Party, 27. Weezer, 28. punks in love, 29. Meditation Begins at Birth, 30. Bali-Ubud / The Lotus Cafe, 31. 004, 32. luke and katie., 33. he asked me if i could spare a dollar…, 34. {brothers}, 35. view from the tumblebug, 36. photo.jpg
I want to write more. These are easy/fun timewasters to do on my weekend shift.
weekend favorites
1. x-wing in bokeh, 2. DSC00471, 3. Like I need a reason …, 4. Diplo @ TSI 5/2/09, 5. dusk @ 7:45, 6. I Hate Myself & Want To Dye My Hair, 7. mr. mcbutterpants, 8. bump (120/365), 9. Cloe & I, 10. Besieged, 11. yes! I own these, 12. 2009bellydancers06, 13. after., 14. Liam dancing with the flashlight., 15. Cocoa Wah! Wah!, 16. tchotchkes, 17. altered polaroid., 18. Natalie’s new shades, 19. Above This Fire, 20. When you’re lying next to me, 21. Bunny Lamour enters the conference room., 22. Sunday Morning, 23. OH Bucyrus – Good Eats, 24. Splode it!, 25. Day #265
these are all favorites from my flickr friends list…at least the people from there who share their photos with bighugelabs. enjoy!
technodharma
today i decided that since it was my day off from work, and i had just taken my final exam, i was going to walk from our house to the gym. it’s probably just under two miles, but i always drive it. i had just re-filled my ipod the night before. instead of music, i opted for 12 different dharma talks, mostly from Noah Levine.
as i walked, i found myself slipping out of my normal tense and slightly hyper stance into a more calm, relaxed state. that has been happening a lot since my return from kripalu. if i just slow myself down long enough to notice my breath, going in and out of my body, and feel every step that my foot makes, i become centered and calm.
i think it’s amazing that we live in a world now where i can take my teachers with me, and they can talk into my ear about the Path, or suffering, or forgiveness, or whatever…and it’s all at my fingertips.
i am enjoying learning more about Buddhism. all of it. had i not picked up Dharma Punx at the end of last year, none of this would be happening. i’m glad i took a leap.
today i walked six miles. i walked home in a rainstorm, and i didn’t care. i was listening to Noah’s views on sex and Buddhism. i have blisters all over my toes; probably because i only wear one type of sneaker (New Balance 574s, because i’m an old hardcore kid), and i’m sure i need something a bit nicer. my hips are sore, and my legs throbbed most of the evening. but it was so worth it. my heart is a happier place now that i’m on the right Path.
i love dick and fart jokes
my brother called me last night, to tell me that his band is finally playing out again, which is cool. he said “oh we changed our name again, too.”
his band was called NRM. then, they were Osama Bin Awesome. their name now?
WEIRD PENIS.
i couldn’t stop laughing!
they’re all going by their middle names as their stage
names. so my brother is Walter Penis, and his friend is Harvey Penis. i can’t even remember the other guys.
they want to put out a 7″ called “Seven Inches Of…”
absolutely brilliant. i hate the bar that they’re playing at, but i’ll be there for sure. i have to support Weird Penis!
weekend flickr favorites
1. Rolling Acres Mall Akron, Ohio, 2. Tara McPherson Love, 3. Spiritual encounter 108/365, 4. crane migration, 5. paper crane drops, 6. Fifteen accounts of life, death, and everything that interferes., 7. In Buddha’s hand, 8. (2009-03-21) Nelson Road Water Treatment Plant – 0262_58_60_64_66, 9. Noah Levine, 10. Jesus H. Raptor, 11. Michiño, 12. octopus tattoo, 13. Mural of Octopus woman, 14. My new tattoo, 15. Octopus vulgaris, 16. octopus at st george island, 17. Octopus and Robot (Title: Rise of the Red Star), 18. Octopus Inside A Bottle, 19. 32- Superbowl, 20. film drop, 21. Going low – tech, 22. Wishes, 23. Untitled, 24. ladybug_in_shoe_pug.jpg, 25. l_a85bcde79e0f0b9f66569bfa7112e1a1, 26. Dahlia, 27. wc-55, 28. OH Massillon – Ice Cream Stand 2, 29. YOU WERE NEVER HERE!, 30. Wanda & I
quote of the day:
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
— Nelson Mandela
also the name of one of my favorite descendents songs.
i was walking across campus today. it was slightly muggy outside; raining. i had just wrapped up my last class. my mind is swelling with ideas for the next chapter of my story; but right now, i’m focused on going home. a strange guy in a Cartman tee and black shorts walks up to me and says, “hi, would you like a poem?” and hands me this:
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune–without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
If this guy only knew. Only knew what was going on with me. This transformation that i’ve probably been waiting my entire life for.
Thank you, strange poetry guy.
